Very Angry

This morning I have awoken to see one of my best friends on the front page of the local newspaper. I'm not going to discuss what has happened but I know what has been printed is WRONG WRONG WRONG. The person in question would Never Ever do such a thing. The way this newspaper has gone about getting this story to press by a certain so called journalist seems somewhat underhand especially as my friend has been unable to get his point of view across. As a friend I feel I have failed him as until yesterday I didn't have a clue that for the past nine months he was living a living hell until he broke down in front of me. As his friend I feel I have failed him, his family and most of all myself and at this moment of time I feel very low and feel I am about to lose my friend for a very long time if not forever? I truly hope I am proven wrong and when my friend does get his life back I feel due to a newspaper the damage caused already has torn to many lives apart including my own as I've been doing my best to hold onto my job so much so when a friend needed me most I wasn't there for him which sits very uneasy with me which is a feeling I've yet to be in and at my time of my life has me slightly scared with how to deal with it? I am so very angry and sad and all I can say to anyone reading this, even if your own life isn't great look around at those you love and care about the most as they might need your shoulder to cry on but are to scared to ask.

Guardian Angel

I have a Guardian Angel and her name is Carol.

Back in 1994 I was in a very bad place, another broken relationship, no job and a severe chip on my shoulder with anyone showing me any concern. Many a night I could be found throwing endless amounts of money into fruit machines on the local motorway service area trying to avoid sleep until the sun came up when I could hide away from the World.

One night while sitting at a table in the cafe a Waitress named Carol sat down next to me and over the next few months we got to know each other and I poured my heart out to her night after night as she listened and gave me advice and opinions.

One night Carol wasn't there and I was told she no longer worked there and I carried on trying to self destruct. Forward to September 1995 I was in the gutter and had a local newspaper thrown at me with jobs circled so I made some telephone calls and I got an interview in a health clinic as a waiter.

Sat in a waiting room my name was called and I entered the room and who was sat at the desk interviewing me? Carol.

Over the next 7 years we worked, laughed and cried ourvway over many things, we both fell in love with others but at the end of the day we would always find ourselves drawn together and we would put the world to rights.

Sadly the Health Clinic closed and everyone went there separate ways promising to stay in touch but over time friends became stingers.

Christmas 2003 an old school friend turned up out of the blue and we went out for a meal to catch up and remember times past. As I was looking through the menu my eyes look across the restaurant and who should be the Manageress of the restaurant? Carol.

I waited for Carol after her shift and we spent the whole night and most of the next day talking and promised we would stay in contact. I got married in 2004 but after a very short space of time the marriage fell apart and yet again I was in a desperate place but Carol was there for me and over time put me back together again and thanks to her I met Cheryl my current love and soon to be wife.

With the Internet and various social networking sites Carol and I have passed time together and met up on a couple of occasions and telephoned each other when we can.

A short while ago I had a wobble and felt like I was losing control as the demons inside me were starting to eek out almost destroying everything god I have in my life but Carol in a few short hours put me right yet again.

Carol hasn't had it easy in the last year or so and I am stepping up to the Mark to give back all the good she has done for me.

Depression

When a person becomes Ill and sometimes decide to take there own life many questions are asked and on occasions the word depression is raised.

I watched depression destroy my mum, her marriage, my childhood and even relationships I have had later on in life.

Depression I guess is classed as an illness or a condition and is so not a mental problem which so many seem to think it is.

I must admit when things go against me I can retreat within myself and go down some very dark roads in my head, I guess it's my way of blotting out pain and distress despite the jovial nature you all know I portray here and on other social networking sites.

With the NHS being cut on a regular basis I fear that any research into depression will not be forthcoming and many will suffer because of it.

Next time a friend or family member isn't happy just take a second or two and look at them and offer them a hug or a friendly word as unhappiness can manifest itself into something far more sinister and distressing.

Obviously supporting Northampton Town puts us through many emotions at the end of the day it is only a game, life however isn't.

I don't want an argument over my words above but just felt the need to get my feelings down on paper fo all to see, thank you got taking the time to read my words.

Life

Since I last blogged I have had a few things happen to me.

Last Monday I finally got my decree absolute through so am now divorced and now all the planning starts for my next wedding, the person I wanted as my best man has kindly agreed to do so which has made me very happy as I know he will keep me calm and keep my feet on the ground and will be my way of thanking of him for all the years he looked after me when I was going through troubled times in my teenage years.

I have also been a Tweetup...............A Tweetup is when people who tweet meet up and this was a Bedfordshire meeting of which fifteen of us turned up and it was a fun evening had by all and it was good to put names to faces and get to know others face to face and I hope to go to another one one day.

Game Over?

I know your monitoring what I say I have seen you admit it thanks to others looking out for me.

I never ever wanted any of all your money all I want is to be set free so I can finally move on.

After so long apart why prolong this farce?

Your in a much better place than I am.

I am sorry I hurt you and I never meant to and I regret leaving you.

There will always be a part of me that loves you.

Enough now please, time is a healer.

If you ever loved me then please let me go.

Saturday Night Fever

At 8:15 on Saturday 2nd April 2011 an odd sequence of events played out which I can't quite believe happened but I feel I have to share with you all.

My other half awoke after having 40 winks and declared it was far to late to start cooking so if I wanted something hot to eat I could go out for takeaway or go to the shops.

I don't know where it came from but from deep inside me a voice in my head leapt out and said lets go to shopping.

Being a Saturday Supermarkets actually shut so didn't leave us much time to play with so we drove towards Tour destination until we reached the middle of town when the traffic came to a stop and the sky was full of fireworks and the traffic were surrounded by many of the Indian community celebrating India's win in the Cricket World Cup.

I found a side street and got on with my journey only to discover that since I last went down it the local council had put bollards up at the end of the street. Eventually I managed to turn the van round and re-join the traffic and crowds.

Eventually we crawled through the celebrations and made it to the Supermarket. Now I don't know about you but when I go shopping I like to have cash on the hip so was flummoxed when all three cash points were out of money.

Once inside the Supermarket we started to fill the trolley up at a very slow pace even though I treated myself to the latest Tiger Woods game for the Nintendo Wii.

When turning into an aisle a child was running along and didn't look where he was going and ran straight into our trolley and burst into tears so had to wait for his parents to pick him up and dust him down.

I got to the drinks aisle and I wanted a bottle of drink I couldn't quite reach so jumped up on the lower shelf to try and grab the bottle only to have that shelf break and send quite a few bottles to the floor where one burst and sent a fountain of fizzy drink all over the place so then had to explain my actions to the Manager.

Once I'd explained what had happened I was allowed to carry on and made it to the till and as we'd almost finished all the lights went out for a short while and once they went back on we had to put everything back on the belt and do it all over again.

Just as we get towards home the van suddenly stops and I realise that after the Evenings events I hadn't remembered to put Diesel in the van which I would've done if I hadn't been so rushed so had to push the van home and will have to go out with a can to get some more today.

All in all an eventful evening was had, me and my big mouth when will I ever learn!

Reflections

Seven years ago this week I got married.

In October 2004 the marriage ended when I walked away from my marriage and wife

Seven years on I'm still not divorced, got the decree nisi and a date for the decree absolute although a List of Consent has just landed on my doorstep.

I won't go into the reasons of the break up of my marriage but after eight years together with never a crossed word once the wedding rings was worn I think the both of us changed and maybe the marriage was a way to cover over the cracks in our relationship and it didn't save it sadly.

I'm not proud of my part in the break up of my marriage and with hindsight I should have bit my lip and maybe should have tried harder to save the marriage but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it!

Seven years on I've learned to love again but have had to start from scratch and from having everything I could ever want and never having to worry about money and spending most weekends in Paris I now have to work hard for a living to make ends meet and am lucky if I get the occasional weekend away in Skegness and have to make do with the life I've got now and yes over the last seven years I've changed and it doesn't always sit pretty with me but I've made my bed so have to lay in it no matter how uncomfortable it gets and believe me it does.

All I can say to others is if your in an unhappy relationship yes have an exit strategy but think about ways that could save your current relationship, it's all about give and take even if it doesn't always agree with you.